Dirt Bitch

This morning, the HIVE was so fresh and so clean, clean. I love having a clean and organized home. The bankers came today to do appraisals of different Earthships and ours was on the tour. It was Robinson's birthday. My voice lesson was rescheduled. So I watched Kris teach Baki and Michael basic carpentry skills before heading off to my annual Women's Health exam.

All the ladies at the Women's Health Institute are exceptionally friendly. They have midwives handy. I was not bombarded with birth control advertisements on all the diagrams of uteri and on the stirrup things, just soft fuzzy cotton on which to rest my feet. And soft cotton robes with velcro slits in front and back to keep yourself covered if you so wish. None of that scratchy paper disposable excuse of dignity. I'm hot for practitioner. Long black hair, well-dressed, talking homeopathy and natural remedies to me, recommending me to Rapid Eye Movement therapist for sexual abuse PTSD, telling me that hair down there is perfectly healthy and grooming decisions are merely aesthetic, if anything shaving and waxing create in-grown hairs and irritation, she lived in Earthships when she first moved to Taos when she was 25. Then...

Naomi asked if I'd like to learn to do my own self-exam! An immediate yes came out before I even understood the question. I believe all humans should have more understanding of their own bodies, I said. And she thanked me for saying yes, because apparently she asks all her patients this and they all say no...except me! So I found the right angle for the hand mirror and she held it there and handed me the speculum. Now use your fingers to spread your labia. Very good. Now insert the speculum. Does that hurt? Try angling it down. Does that still hurt? Lean back. Lean all the way back. There you go. Now let me open it so and let you see inside. And there it was. My cervix. It was so red and real. I went from velvet couch to a secret tunnel in moments. And after all the days and nights I imagined that dark inner space to be filled with unimaginable dirtiness and phantom diseases, I saw the truth. The beauty. Me. Healthy. Happy. A mystery best discovered with the help of others.

Then off to roller derby to be given three different pairs of skates to sample. Narrow skates squeeze me. I need one size wider. Skinny wheels vs. wide wheels? Grippy or slippy or a combo of the two? 4 or 5? Speed or stability? Mostly talked with Tracy about the nuances of getting skates, trucks, bearings, heels and toes.

Then off to the library to print paystubs for my food stamps appointment. And to take a little break in the middle of my busy day. I hadn't eaten yet, but no time to eat. Too much to do. Plus, I felt like it would be more appropriate to feel hungry at a food stamps meeting. On the way out of the library, I picked up two Anti-Pesticide magazines to read while waiting at Human Services. I qualify for $16 a month. Any little bit helps. The woman could hardly believe I didn't pay utilities. Imagine poverty on utilities. I am blessed. $16 a month will provide for the big bottle of organic olive oil I buy for everyone's everyday use in this house of many.

Then off to Centinel Bank of Taos to give them a copy of my official New Mexican Driver's License! And they set up my online banking account. It's official, folks. My account is finalized. I have direct deposit and automatic debits for my student loan payments. I paid off my credit card to $0. And I'm paying my car insurance in one payment so I don't have to think about it for another 6 months. In that 6 months and beyond I can pay towards interest and principal on my loans, finally.

I went to the Taos Post Office and mailed Mommy the keyboard I've been toting around in my car for entirely too long. Mom doesn't pick up her phone, hasn't called, and is without keyboard for internetting. Hopefully the lines of communication shall be reopened with the keyboard's arrival upon her doorstep.

Then to Mud 'n' Flood for a headlamp and patches for my down jackets. I resolved to get the lint roller another day. Stop the leaking first then clean the tiny feathers off of every surface in my room. Then I went to the El Prado PO to pick up my mail. Then I went to the new convenient store in the Greater World community to return a spoon.

Little did I know, Frank there was a roller derby "coach" for a serious New York team, the Gotham Girls. Apparently, Ariel Assault is a very common derby name. Time for a new one. Brainstorming and networking...

Then home for a lovely sunset and leftover soup.

Robinson was making us all his favorite meal for his birthday dinner--Bratwurst and sauerkraut with mashed potatoes. Carly made vanilla cake with marshmallows and apples carved into the words "Happy Birthday 2 U". Dinner was followed by Apples to Apples, dice rolling games, and an outdoor bonfire. The boys made late-night bacon over the fire while I showered.

Tomorrow, all I have to do is sleep in, play music, eat food, do whatever the hell I please, possibly including laundry, energy work at 3 pm, pay day, and maybe dinner and a movie. I want to see Black Swan again.

And the name came to me: DIRT BITCH.

Snuggles

What could be considered reasonable frameworks for friendship? In this society, we are bombarded with pop enculturated norms of boy-meets-girl. Sitting in a tree. K. I. S. S. I. N. G. Well, what about cuddling with friends? What about massages and healing each others' nerve endings? Regardless of gender. Regardless of relationship status. Homo, hetero, queer theories. I need healing touch. Close friends that I can trust. Somewhere deep inside I feel a guilt. According to social norms, I feel I am only allowed to comfortably touch and be touched by one. A man who is ordained boyfriend, fiance, husband. Who am I to feel like God made me in any way I wasn't meant to be? Divine perfection. Original sin? Predestination. Reincarnation. I can't help it. I wonder how you are feeling. I wonder what you are thinking. I'm trying to read between unspoken lines. I feel a little crazy. Reeling between intuition and imagination. Bubble. Around me. Don't touch me. Hold me. Don't talk to me. Please call me. Crazy. Human.

Inception

Ideas are like viruses.  Once the seed is planted in your head, it can grow into dreams, action, and reality.  The good virus.

I woke up warm and cozy in the Phoenix with the twilight peeking through a forest of fauna.  I wasn't even wearing socks or pants for that matter.  I got to air out the little red bumps that have developed from constantly wearing long johns.  Brad used to get those pimplies from sweating in his Dickie's shorts when he delivered packages for FedEx.  In my dreams, I got a multi-media text message from the Whiplashes Roller Derby team.  Lots of pink and purple and exclamation points!  Lots of pretty faces popping in, introducing themselves by their pseudonyms, and enthusiastically inviting me to join them!  I went back to sleep, feeling like I should at least wait until my hosts woke up so I could say a proper good day before heading home to the HIVE to prepare for my good day.  I didn't want to feel like a bad one-night stand.  I hugged my host with an "I love you" because I was told that instead of saying "sorry" or "thank you", they are saying "i love you".  They said I say "thank you" a lot.  Their theory: culture is bad.

Headed to the HIVE and passed by the G2 and Mike's truck.  Wondered if he wondered what my car was doing at the Phoenix this AM.  Oh, the close relationships I form both at the Ed Fac and the HIVE.  My adopted family.  Made eggs and oatmeal at the HIVE.  Changed into something suitable for voice lesson, roller derby, bank, and human services: black Under Armor tights under black fleece pants; argyle short sleeve sweater shirt under army green, button-up, quarter-sleeved, collared dress under black fleece free box jacket under loaner white snow jacket; hand-knit, wool, Nepalese beanie; black furry scarf; SmartWool calf-high socks under Columbia boots; wool, fingerless gloves hand-knit by the indigenous peoples of...wherever.  In the car ride to Blueberry Hill I called Amy to tell her I have not yet returned her screwdriver. She responded by asking if I could be on-call tomorrow since Irma may have to cover Tanya who's on-call for jury duty for the next 6 months.  Joseph the Skywatcher announced that I would have a fun day, Scorpio would have a creative day, and Pisces, believe it or not, your dreams are coming true.  Capricorn would be in her element with Mercury in her stars.

First 10 AM voice lesson consisted of two friendly dogs, one friendly mom, and one friendly musician.  Rolling of lips, vocalizations, vowels (A E Ah Oh Ooo), and Italian art song.  Also, I scored a white fuzzy scarf because the Stray Hearts, barely-saved-from-being-put-down puppy chewed up the end of the black fuzzy scarf which was also a gift.  Gifts.

Then off to the bank by the backroads.  The account I opened nearly 8 months ago is nearing completion of process.  I showed lovely Nancy my new and temporary NM driver's license so we could finally order my debit card so I can finally pay my bills online and get direct deposit.  Better budgeting underway.

Then off to the gym behind Our Lady of Guadalupe Church for my first roller derby practice.  Just so happens there were some my-sized Skecher's loaner skates and plenty of pads to choose from.  I learned about good skates and wheels to start with, Sin City Skates, bearings, tools, mouth guards, and pads.  Emma taught me and her 11 yr-old daughter how to 8-wheel skate, cross-over, drunken walk, the skater's position, toe walking, and how to skate the diamond.  I was taught various stops like the snow plow, T-stop, knee-drop, rock star, 4-point drop, and suicide.  We did group exercises with the rest of the girls like tight formation skating and weaving through the line.  I was told I was a natural and that they are excited to have me.  My knees smell and I am sore.  I feel vital and alive.

Then off to Raw To Go for a 2:30 lunch.  Tammer wasn't there as usual.  Two hippie-dippie nomads are running the place for the month, and I mean that in the most tender way possible.  They are experimenting with intuitive pricing and serving whatever they feel like because the posted menus were not actually current.  My number was $5 and hers was $17.  We agreed on $10.  I gorged on Asian veggie wraps, raw pizza on dehydrated veggie crust, sauerkraut, and a fruit smoothie.  We talked Taos Mountain's intensity, spiritual growth and intuition, her low energy levels and my concern about student loans/food stamps/roller derby gear, and the I-Ching and Tarot.  I pulled "Enthusiasm" and "Gratitude", respectively.  I am naturally rallying helpers who accentuate my natural power.  Do not fear an argument.  Success for great numbers.  I am filled with Thankfulness.  Then I had chocolate pecan cake with chocolate chip ice cream and tipped them $10.

Off to Human Services to turn in my food stamps application.  Come back before 4pm tomorrow they said.  To the post office to check if my health insurance card is in the mail.  Only credit card advertisements.

Then the beautiful drive home--mountains, sunset, artificial chemical clouds, Rio Grande Gorge, Greater World Community, home.  Kris was screwing together battery boxes.  The Decemberists have a new album out.  Woah.  Commercialized, but still...good?  A little guitar playing.  Then Kris made gluten-free Quinoa pasta with sausage pasta sauce and vegetarian, Earthship tomato sauce, and I made Earthship salad for 12.  I got an apology via phone message.  Irma apologizes for accusing me of throwing random stuff in the planters.  I replied via e-mail that I appreciated her e-mail and that I have not been throwing random things in the planter.  I also said I would appreciate if she told our coworkers the truth of the matter, in the case she accused me to them.  Then Kris and I watched Inception and talked about our Earthship dreams and our Journey and first months here.

Powerful stuff.  The stuff of dreams.

Here we are.

And off we go.

Rotten Tomatoes

Have I overtaken the blog?  Or is Bestie #1 busy farming without wi-fi and writing for class?  Oh, L.L. Bean down jacket is on its way.  My toes are cold and too much synthetic clothing is taking its toll on me.  Attitude adjustment is underway.  Rotten tomatoes became a blessing in the form of salad for many.  Harvesting is important.  Don't forget to reap what you sow.  And then let it lay fallow?  Oh, letting go.  Picking at the ice with a shovel and feeling my sweat and my muscles grow.  Two trees.  Synergy.  Synarchy.  Hanged Man.  Strange fruit.  Billie Holiday.  Holidays.  Family.  Anniversary.  Earthships.  Relinquish control for the good of the whole.  Take the reins.  Lighthouse.  Alcatraz.  You are entitled to food, shelter, clothing, and medical attention.  Anything else is a privilege.  Rules.  Freedom.  Enjoying the fruits of your labor.  Emma Goldman.  Anarchy.  Food Not Bombs.  New Moon.  Pyramid.  Musashi.  Breathe.  Core.  Sing.  Heart Chakra.  Healing.  Sexual Abuse.  Forgotten.  Friends.  The End.  The Beginning.  Again.  

newark, new jersey

today, i missed a flight because i was writing. sitting at the gate imagining being someone else and writing about accidental intimacy in postmodern spaces in the persona of a frat boy who feels especically tender towards one friend, and the only thing he can do about it is lean slightly towards his friend to speak more directly in his ear, but in that sideways way of men who don't want to be too close to one another, when all he wants to do is stroke his friend's gray sweater, a gift from his fancy grandmother who wears pearls in her puffy french twist, furs and lace. missed all the boarding calls and repeated requests over the PA system for "passenger stone to report to gate C99. six hours later, i'm (finally) about to board a plane for manchester, NH where extremely empathetic and charitable writer friends will pick me up and take me to goddard, a place of good fairies and mountain magic in a synergistic relationship with higher education. hell yes.

1.1.11

Moein's last night in Taos, we celebrated with good wine and a fire in the wood stove.  Cozy packaged Earthship.  Super sleek and cute.  Dreaming of the Lion's Den.  New Year's Eve, we woke up in our Earthship house-sit in the gravel pit and fed the dog.  Snowed in.  After waking, we went back to the HIVE to make oatmeal and eggs.  Then, being the workaholic I may be, we stopped by the office so I could check for any last minute online orders and bid the Ed Fac farewell for a week.  Moein and Baki showed Mike the 3-D Haiti hut graphics.  256 people per 1.25 acres living off the grid is a good thing.  Solar ovens for all.  Then to the G2 so Moein could get hugs and shit-talked to.  Then to town.  Calendula and Evolutionary magazine at Cid's.  Cash paychecks at Centinel Bank.  Post office (twice) to pay bills and send out Earthship books and DVDs.  We read about the evolutionary power of love and creation.  We are warriors of the possible, with the urge to create, and love at a kosmocentric level (love all sentient beings).  The scenery was beautiful and reminded me of what Russia might be like, covered in snow and sage.  I've always been fascinated with most things Russian, so we listenened to Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker.

In Santa Fe, we stopped at Whole Foods for some buffet food (and the longest pee ever, just fyi).  I got broccoli, garlic, and sundried tomatoes, with asparagus, and jalapeno pesto from Taos.  Moein got pasta, spinach lasagna, and a cookie.  Then I talked on the phone with Daniel dearest until ABQ.  Good times.  Oh, I shall miss Moein.  Good thing he's coming back.

Delayed flight made more Daniel time.  Feeling much better now after the communication lines are back open and the tension is gone.  Simple flight, AirBart, Bart to Civic Center.  FAMILY SO HAPPY TO SEE ME AND ME SO HAPPY TO SEE THEM!  HUGZZZZ!!!  Oh Chlo-chlo!  I was told, the day before she had said, "Tomorrow will be the best day of my life."  And when asked why, she said "Because Tram-Anh is coming tomorrow."  She gave me the longest hug of them all.  I was fed turkey and rice, salad of many kinds, and tiramisu.  Then we went to Madrone Art Bar for tequila, AMFs, and 90s booty jams.  "I put my hand upon your hip. When I dip you dip we dip."  I was a dancing machine, apparently.  Many facebook photos and my face is all red!  Fadi was the DD and we gave him a big group hug for it.

I soothed Nhac's boisterous belligerence with Reggae and dreams of construction.  And off to bed.

1.1.11 has so far consisted of eating ALL DAY, NON-STOP, Wii dancing, facebook tagging, blogging, numerology, Xmas presents, new wool clothes and snow boots, reserving a spot at an ABQ hostel for the return to NM, a little skyping, and more family time.  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.  Ethnocentric.  Grandpa (Ong Noi) invited me to Vietnam for the Spring.  Can't decide if I should try to go this year or next.  We'll see how it plays out.  He says I should be looking for a career, not some job that pays like crap that I love.  He says I'm getting to the age where it's about money and not about passion.  I disagree.  Also, he comments a lot on my pimples.  And he's doing my laundry.  And he cooked a huge pot of Pho and I'm too full to eat it.  Oh, family.  How I love thee.

Winter Solstice Full Moon Lunar Eclipse

As if the New Mexico moon wasn't enough
As if the stars waxing and waning with the lunar seasons wasn't enough
As if the enduring love for my waxing and waning housemates wasn't enough
As if home sweet home and loving thy neighbors wasn't enough
God gives me more

Today was an amazing day.  The timing was immaculate.  I got to see rainbow clouds.  New to the neighborhood, Andre, came and told me there were winter clothes my size waiting for me at his house.  I love high-class hand-me-downs.  I felt like I got promoted because I got to go through the company credit card statements.  The smiles were big.  The visitors were plentiful.  The floor was cleaned in a timely fashion singing along to good music on good speakers.  I got to hear snippets of the Haiti Earthship Ecovillage designs.

I visited the gravel pit for the first time.  It's nice to visit neighbors.  I got some warm clothes, in a warm Earthship, with warm-hearted company.  We chatted about serendipity, personal growth, and the 12-months of Taos initiation.  I'm at 9 months now and I've been reborn.

Then I came home to an organic, whole foods, Indian-inspired, vegetarian meal.  I gave a gift of greens to the chef and retreated to my room by 9 pm.  Romantic boundaries were maintained via text message and off to bed I went.  By midnight, I was kindly awoken (per my request) to witness the beautiful celestial events of the evening and the centuries.

Uncle Salty was there with his fancy telescope and I gave him a Christmas present that he thought was a dehydrated orange in the dark.  The moon was half-hidden by the Earth's shadow when I first witnessed the event.  As the shadow grew, so did the multitude of stars.  The shadow was red.  Harvest moon.  We witnessed it from different angles.  From the balcony outside the moon room.  Through the glass of the moon room.  From the balcony outside the pyramid.  There were SO MANY shooting stars.  I love the ubiquitous oohs and aahs that emerge from full grown adults in the dark.

The beauty was inevitably converted to conversations about cocks & balls.  I believe it is a unique skill to turn every topic to anatomical parts. Tonight was unique in that the anatomical parts appropriately turned to the yin.  The eclipse became God's vagina.  The moon, a yellow pulsating pussy.  We are in awe of vaginas.  Rightfully so.

As the earth came to shield the moon from the sun, I gave everyone a hug.  We listened to Bob Marley's Kaya on my portable record player and laid around together until we couldn't stay awake any longer.  I laid out in the moon room until the sun lit the full moon again.  The days will be getting longer from now on. 

Soon, we will not have to run the generator to have our ever-abundant supply of AC power.  Tomorrow I am taking the mail in and making more displays for the self-guided tour.  I hope my Christmas package arrives early in the mail.  That'll give me a good excuse to use Skype.  Smile.  You're on candid camera. And Santa Clause is coming to town.  He sees you when you're sleeping.  He sees you when you wake.  He knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.

Be good for goodness sake.

Love, Joy, Peace, & Abundance...